I Refuse To Be The Victim

      Gabrielle came from a long lineage of achievers, including many relatives with PhD’s. Perfectionism reigned in other ways too. Her stepmother subjected her to constant verbal abuse. Most of it was accusations that Gabrielle was just “Too sensitive”. She heard this from other family members as well.

     In our American Culture “High Sensitivity” is often seen as a handicap. People tell others they are too sensitive as if it was a crippling condition that will prevent them from having any success in this world. For Gabrielle the motto in her family seemed to be that if you make a mistake you are a total failure.

     Perhaps surprisingly, Gabrielle was still a good student and had friends. She was not subject to bullying in school. However, she did exhibit behavior problems. She talked back to the teachers and got involved with drugs. She went through a period where she did not want to think or talk about the future.

     Some of these behaviors can be typical if teenagers. Gabrielle shared that she realizes that some of her behavior might have happened with or without her behavior at school.

      Gabrielle overcame her apathetic stage and studied psychology. She discovered she liked helping others. After graduation she went work with psychologists in a small practice. For some reason the other clinicians seemed jealous of her and did not seem to like her. They gossiped about her and told the head psychologist that Gabrielle was slandering her on Facebook.

     Gabrielle went into her own therapy and took medications. Additionally she involved herself in Buddhist practices which helped her release the anger and made her able to forgive her coworkers. She still works in the same practice, so in addition to making the right moves to resolve the conflicts at work she empowered herself internally. Her outlook became “I refuse to be the victim”.

      Personally, I share Gabrielle’s view of victimhood. Here is an exercise where all you need to do is think of what the answer might be.

 

Exercise

You may just answer the questions without pen and paper or Word Document, but if you would like you can write or record them.

In the following example who is the victim!

-       A young man in high school gets straight A’s and is an accomplished pianist, but his father is disgusted that he does not play sports.

-       A boss at a job nags and finds fault with everything one of their employees does, but this employee does more work than anyone there. One day the worker walks out because they refuse to take any more abuse.

-       A person with depression and anxiety goes to therapy and the therapist is warm and caring and teaches them good coping skills. The client decides that they have no connection with the therapist and goes elsewhere.

-       A lady who has not had much luck with men finds a man who is attractive, has a good job and does everything for her. She leaves him and a month later is back with her abusive ex.

     If you think the way most people do the last example is obvious. The lady who left her good boyfriend has low self-esteem and was like a cleaned pig returning to their mud puddle. The good boyfriend may have been upset but he felt the loving feelings which made him the happy one. He is more likely to find a woman who appreciates him in the future.

     The father in the first example makes himself the victim. He has reasons to be happy and proud of his son but he chooses to get angry and disappointed in him for something he does not do.  In the second example the boss is the victim for the same reason. The boss has reasons to be happy about their good employee but instead they focus on the negative The employee chose non victimhood by leaving. Sure you could say that now they are the unemployed victim and the boss still has their job.  However, the boss probably does not appreciate anyone and the ex-employee will work hard to find another job.

    The client who decided they have no connection with their therapist after being offered a warm caring therapist who taught them many ways to cope has made themselves a victim. They probably do not want to get better but just have someone with a lot of superficial charisma entertain them. If it is a client who rejects a male therapist because they want a female they are probably looking for “Mommy”. Consequentially they are the victim because they do nto let themselves grow. 

     Essentially the victim is the one who makes him/herself unhappy about someone whom they could be happy about. Gabrielle chose to not view herself as defective because she is sensitive. Nor does she view herself as one who gets abused more than others. She has empowered herself by embracing her past and counseling people who have been through what she has been through. Her future career ambitions include working with clients who are intellectually gifted but sensitive and counseling bullied children.

     Speaking of bullying advocates, if you read the first book in this series “Heal Your Memories, Change Your Life” you may recall Kate.  Kate was bullied in every imaginable way from 7^th through 12^th grade. There were rumors that she slept with the english teacher and took turns with the whole football team. Kids walked by her while she minded her own business on the computer and called her ‘whore”. Kids mad fake “My Space” pages (2005-2007) of whores and sent them to her. They made special efforts at the cyber bullying on Christmas, her birthday, and when she was on a family vacation at Disney World.

     One night a girl from school, a former friend of hers assaulted her on the street where a group of friends were going to the movies. Afterwards her mother, not understanding the situation, drove her to her friend’s house so Kate could apologize. She had hit the girl out of self-defense.

     I asked Kate what empowered her through those dark troubled times. She shared that’s she always had a sense that her life would improve. She believed that there is a purpose to her life and she would not commit suicide because she needed to live that purpose. The flame of hope was never completely extinguished.

    College was better for Kate. She had good grades, was president of her junior class and school representative of the National Collegiate Honor Society in her Senior year.

     Kate’s belief that her life would get better and purposeful was quite prophetic. After college she joined a National Speakers Bureau. She was not afraid to tell her story of the bullying. So she now goes all over the country and tells her story at conferences and schools. She has been featured on Nationally Syndicated and International radio shows.

    There is a saying that the best way to get back at your tormentors is to live happily now. Today Kate is a 20 something and happily married to her husband  

CJ. They got married in a beautiful cathedral church and had their wedding reception in a Baseball Stadium. They live on a farm in New Jersey, vacation frequently, and have a large supportive circle of family and friends. She has empowered herself to help others and is good to herself.